I often hear from wives who at their wit’s end in their marriage. They feel as though they are the only one who cares if their marriage survives at all. They are often dealing with husbands who are pretty sure that the marriage is over and that they want to call it quits. And the wives are reasonably certain that they have tried most everything and have nearly run out of cards to play. It’s often at this point that, even though they don’t want to end the marriage, they ask questions like “should I continue fighting for this marriage or should I just give in and let him go and realize that I’m at the end of this process?”
I often respond that I think the best approach is a combination of the two. You can make it appear like you are backing off and giving him space when actually, you are fighting very hard to keep him. The kicker is that you are the only one who knows this. I will explain this more in the following article.
When Fighting For Him Just Feels Like You’re Fighting With Him Or Are Backed Up Against A Brick Wall: I think that the phrase “fighting for your marriage” really does imply quite negative connotations. It implies that you’re going to use force or go to battle to get someone to do something that you want them to do. I’m speaking metaphorically, of course. But honestly, the attitude that most of us have when we’re anticipating this kind of resistance is not at all inviting or conducive to the kind of joint efforts and bond that you are going to need to save this marriage. You need for your husband to be completely and totally in agreement that the marriage is something that he wants.
Unfortunately, when many of us are in “fight” mode, we follow this down a dark road to a place where we are both frustrated, disillusioned, and probably not listening much to what the other person has to say – much less caring much about how or what they feel. This is not the scenario that is going to make you most likely to succeed. Your best chance is to be fighting on the same side as your husband so that you are his teammate rather than his opponent. That way, he doesn’t feel as though he always needs to resist you or to thwart you and you’re going to have a much easier time gaining ground.
Pretending To Let Him Go When You Are Really (And Secretly) Fighting For Him: This is what I was talking about when I said that I usually advised a sort of hybrid or compromise between these two plans. The reason for appearing to back off is because this will usually allow for some break in his resistance and, believe it or not, it will allow you to jump on the perceived same side as he is on. This will likely allow for you to gain more ground than you did when you were “fighting for him.”
So how do you make this shift? Well, there are a couple of ways that you can do this. You can just begin to stop with the pushing or you can sit him down and choreograph what you want for him to think that you are doing. What you end up saying is going to depend on your situation. But, here are the points that you want to make. You want to stress that you want for him to be happy and that it hurts you that the two of you are on opposite sides. You want to let him know that you now see that some distance might help this situation. You can then offer up the level of distance that you are comfortable with, but the main idea is that the fighting isn’t get you anywhere, that you both deserve to be happy and that, from this moment forth, you’re going to act in such a way that unites you rather than divides you and that you hope that he will follow suit.
Making The Most Of The Distance To Lure Him Closer: I know that what I’m suggesting may seem counterintuitive. And many people are only receptive to it once it’s clear that what they have been trying up until now just is not working. But many people are surprised that as soon as they can convincingly convey to their husband that they are no longer pushing so very hard, then their husband will then begin to stop pulling away. The resistance is no longer necessary because you are no longer exhibiting force.
To make things even more effective, always be mindful of the impression that you are creating. It needs to be one of confidence, security, and a positive attitude. You want for him to know that although you wish that things could be different, you’re doing the best that you can and you respect both of you enough to make this process one that is conducted with calm integrity.
Believe it or not, many men in this situation somehow find my blog and offer some insight into this process. And so many of them allude to the fact that they find their wives more attractive when they are a little less available and desperate. Always make sure that, at least for his purposes, you are coming from a place of strength and control rather than weakness.
There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at it’s end. My husband seemed to have no interest whatsoever in saving our marriage, but I knew that I wasn’t ready to give up for good. Thankfully, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle (by focusing on my own time and efforts) and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/