Many of us due to circumstances or choice remain single. Why then are we so enthralled with wanting to always find ‘the one’? The answer is simple – isn’t it? We as humans are creatures of habit who enjoy the company of others. There is a small percentage of people in this world that actually enjoy being on their own – but the majority of us look for that ‘special’ person to share our lives with.
For some, being single has never been an issue and if we were honest with ourselves we would all know that finding someone is not particularly difficult. As they say ‘there is a lid for every pot’ – but in reality – is it the right lid that suits the pot?
Most times, it is not and therefore are we too finicky with our choice of partner? I don’t believe that we need to justify our actions and expectations. After all, we all have standards and know what is attractive to us and what is not. So why do we get the impression that ‘we are the only ones without someone to share our lives with’.
Let us look at the fact and the reality of our society. There is a small minority of couples who are truly in love and extremely happy and satisfied with their relationship and or partner. Don’t agree with me? Well let’s do the math. Make a list of the people you know who are couples, allowing yourself to include all concerned from neighbours, to family, friends, work colleagues, acquaintances, etc. No doubt you have come up with tens of couples that you know or know of. Now, put your hand on your heart and really assess the situation. How many can you honestly say are couples that are truly and unequivocally “in love” with each other and share their life to the fullest? There is no doubt that you will be lucky to find enough couples that you know or know of, that you can count on one hand. There are far and few between us that can fill up two hands.
Unfortunately or fortunately there are many divorces, separations and differences between the happily married couple whose wedding you attended. I have never understood how some find another partner after a relationship has broken up, with children involved so quickly and within a short space of time. The one with the responsibility of raising children is not always as fortunate. Why then does this happen? The answer is quite obvious. The parent whose responsibility it is to care and live with their children, is the one that works to provide a home and not a house and is there for the emotional ups and down of children growing up. This is not to say that the other parent is or was not supportive or that their unconditional love was not forthcoming, but let us assess the reality of the situation with facts from the Bureau of Statics, be they right or be they wrong. Remember I am only the writing messenger.
Most of us need to work to provide and therefore with a job, there is little to no time to really go out and meet other potential partners. Why, because you are tired, you work, come home, cook, clean and run around with school and social functions that pertain to the children first. You are there when your child is ill and somehow you handle the everyday problems that nature brings when raising a child. Added to this, the custodial parent needs to be both a father and mother around the house and regardless if you are male or female you will need to adapt to a whole new world of power tools – from fixing a leaking roof, digging garden beds, plastering walls, move heavy furniture, and so forth. Although this is either a choice or due to circumstances that you are in, it can be difficult at times to cope, it takes a strong and persistent person to manage and the only way of doing this is simply getting on with it.
Let us now look at the parent that does not have full custody of the children. Yes they may love, be supportive and give the financial assistance for their children, or they may not. But, as their life is not as pressured with being home at night to assist with homework, feed and handle everyday children issues – it is far easier to have free time, that allows them to go out more and meet other adults. This is where they find someone else quickly and commence a relationship. Hence the reason statistics show that the parents without the full-time responsibilities of caring for children are normally (but not always) the ones that finds a new partner quicker than the other.
So putting this to the side, where does it leave the single mother or father who not only has a full-time job, but a full-time responsibility of being a parent as well. Reports will tell you over and over again, that these individuals do not have the time or money to be going out socialising as their priority is to ensure their children have a stable and as normal upbringing as is possible. But the question remains – that as time passes, their life is not always fulfilled with a loving partner to lean on nor, someone who can at times take the pressure and heartache of doing things for them. Although it is important to not be judgemental of everyones situation, let us say that hypothetically this applies to the majority of most situations. So where and how does one find their next partner?
After many years of doing the above you have become frustrated, not because of your circumstances, but because years have passed and suddenly you grow older. We age and unless we are part of a socialite group, very wealthy, privileged, or have a role that allows you to be exposed to meeting interesting and new people, we tend to do the same old thing time and time again without socialising in new circles.
You become open minded and start accepting invitations and outings, where there is a slight hope that you will find that right partner. But alas, there is no one there to your liking. Why? Is it because of your high standards or possibly being stuck in a past life? No, simply it is because you have become so independent and now look for qualities that previously were not a priority for you in a partner. Circumstances have changed as your life has changed and the lid doesn’t always fit the pot of available males or females.
So besides joining particular groups, you take up the on-line dating scene – but this for many has become a chore that finds you in a situation that one needs to ‘kiss a thousand frogs’ to find ‘the one’. Your main concern and endless contention is that there were and are so many things you would like to do, attend, or go to. How many times have you attended a formal occasion, a work cocktail event, a birthday party, a get together with friends? Plenty, I hear you say! But the problem still presents itself, you are that ‘shag on the rock’, talking with everyone but really being alone. You may put your best foot forward, but you still feel uncomfortable no matter how well presented you are, no matter how personable, polite and well mannered these traits of yours come across – let’s face it – you are really the odd one out. Why? Because you are not a couple.
Maybe it would be nice to go out with someone so that you do not need to go to dinner on your own, or take in a movie, attend a barbeque with someone, rather than walk in alone. What about being invited to a wedding and being the only single person there? It may not be a problem for many, but after years of attending everything and anything on your own, you feel you are not really part of the group. Other times you are disappointed that you have not been invited to a good friends’ event, because they feel you are not a couple and therefore it would be awkward. You know when you don’t fit in, because when you receive your next invitation and have been known to make-up excuses for being unavailable, alternatively your next invitation is addressed to you and you only – no partner noted.
So let us not feel abnormal for being single. But understand that you have changed, your circumstances have changed – and most of all you may not exactly know what you want in a partner, but you definitely know what you don’t want. It’s just finding the right lid for the pot and not a lid that is larger than the pot, just to have someone.
Don’t become an individual who is on the ‘war path’ to find ‘the one’. Instead enjoy every moment of your life, count your lucky stars for being you – that right lid will come along to fit your pot eventually.