I’m often asked this question from people on different sides of the situation. Occasionally, I will hear from women who have been cheating with a married man. These women explain that they’ve put a lot of time and effort into the relationship but are then disappointed and confused when the husband eventually returns to his wife. They seem to be somewhat blindsided by this and they often ask such questions like “why would he waste his time with this relationship and break my heart if he was going to go back to his wife anyway?” Or, “was he just lying to me the whole time? He kept telling me the problems with his wife and marriage and now he’s decided that he wants these things? I really can not understand this.”
In contrast, I often hear from the wives who are in this same situation but on the opposite side. They will often very much doubt their husband’s sincerity in wanting to come back to them. They often will suspect that he’s staying in the marriage only out of convenience, for their children, or because of joint assets that might be lost if the marriage ended. They will often say things like “he rejected me and our marriage to be with her, but now he wants “us” back? What’s changed? How can I trust him?” I will try to address some of these concerns in the following article.
Husbands Sometimes Return To Their Wives After Cheating Because They Realize They Were Wrong On Many Levels: In addition to hearing from the women in this situation, I often also hear from the men. And, they really don’t have any reason to lie to me because I’m a stranger who isn’t directly involved in any way. They will often tell me that while the affair was happening, they were not thinking rationally. They often base their actions on assumptions that they later decide weren’t fair or weren’t true.
And, they will very often later realize that they were basing their actions on fantasy rather than on reality. Very often, in the beginning, they will see the other woman as offering something that is lacking in their life and therefore as someone who can fix their problems or alleviate some of their stress. But as time goes on and they come to see her and the relationship less under the veil of fantasy, they will often come to realize that their assumptions were just not accurate.
Also, very often, in the beginning, the affair relationship feels light, fresh, and new. But, since as I said this whole thing is based on untruths, it often can not sustain these positive and inaccurate feelings. Over time, the novelty most definitely wears off and he comes to realize that this other person doesn’t really know him or care about him. He also eventually realizes that he doesn’t really even know her (and may not even care to.)
Finally, it’s often not until he’s sees his wife’s reaction and pain from the affair that he realizes just what a huge mistake he has made. He often doesn’t mean to hurt anyone or alter any one’s life. But once he realizes that in fact he has (and on a very huge level) this is often enough to wake him up to just how ill advised this whole thing really was.
In response to mistresses who ask me things like “so was he lying to the whole time?,” I would have to answer that he was pretty much not truthful with anyone – and that includes himself. But, this is not always a conscious decision. It’s no wonder that men often have affairs in times when they are in a personal crisis or under a high degree of stress. Their ability to see what is real and true is compromised and they are often looking for a quick fix. Unfortunately, their actions affect everyone involved. But, this doesn’t make their very long term feelings about their wife and their family any less real and genuine.
Determining If Your Husband Is Being Truthful About Wanting To Be With You After His Cheating: So many women ask me how they can possibly know if their husband really still wants to be with them or is just trying to save money or save their families. I almost always respond that it’s best to evaluate his actions rather than his words. He typically can and will say all sorts of things. But, it’s what he does over the long haul that really matters.
Take a look at whether what he’s doing is following along with what he’s saying. A man who really wants to be home will make it a point to stay home and find ways that you can spend meaningful time together. He will seek ways to help you heal and deal with this. He will support you and reassure you on a continuous basis. He will be transparent and will be patient and compliant when you make it clear that you need proof that he is no longer cheating. In short, he will hang in there and walk with you even when it’s uncomfortable and painful to do so. He does this because he knows that rehabilitation is on his shoulders since his actions caused this.
My husband never said any particular words that made me believe he really wanted to be with me rather than with her. But over time, his actions did. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/